I like to read. I've read a lot of different things over the years, physics, philosophy, Chinese medicine, spiritual books...all kinds of things. One area I'd read up on awhile ago was strategy, especially some of the classics. The title for this post came from The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi. One of the sections in there has that title. It talks about the idea that sometimes you can get caught up in the little details and need to be able to remember to look at the big picture. It seems to me like the reverse is true, too. You can get too caught up in looking at the overall picture of things and lose track of the details. It makes sense either way.
It reminded me of yet another detail of working through grief. I've noticed a pattern in the last 19 months or so. See, some things have hit me really hard and some haven't. I can't say it's a hard-and-fast rule, but it's pretty common that it works out this way. The big things often hit pretty hard, like birthdays and anniversaries and all. I just went through our wedding anniversary recently, and it did a number on me. The same hit with the anniversary of her death. Heh, we had two anniversaries that we celebrated, one for when we got married and one for when we got together as a couple. Both of those can hit pretty hard.
The other things that have tended to hit hard have been lots of little things. Most recently, it's been looking for shaving cream and deodorant. She'd had pretty intense sensitivities to chemicals and synthetic scents. As a result, I had to be a lot more careful about what I'd pick up and use. If I picked up something with synthetic scent, it'd give her nasty migraines, chest pains, and other unpleasant stuff. I was in the grocery store for probably 30 minutes trying to figure out what to buy. The habit of avoiding the synthetic scents is still there. Then again, looking at the ones that were OK for me to use was sad, too. I found myself bouncing between them, each sparking of memories that just ramped up the confusion and distress. And, at the same time, there was part of me thinking it was just ridiculous to be having that hard of a time with picking up such pointless little things like deodorant and shaving cream. What a mess.
Those little things are the ones that I haven't thought would hit me like that. There was no expectation of it, no preparation for it. They aren't like getting hit by a train. That's what the big days are like. Instead, those little things are like a sucker punch that comes from out of nowhere while you're standing in line waiting to pay for gasoline and a coke at a convenience store. And because there's no preparation for when they hit, those things can really hurt. They don't mess me up for as long as the big ones do, but it doesn't feel much different in those moments.
It's like there's an upside-down bell curve for how they affect me. The big ones I can see coming, but they hit anyway. The small things come out of nowhere and hurt, too. Oddly, it's the medium-sized things that overall aren't so bad. I can see them coming and prepare some for them, and the preparation makes at least some degree of difference.
The hope is that over time the big things just don't hit as hard. They run out of momentum; they run out of steam. Hopefully they go from a train blaring down on me at full speed to a hard storm wind. Maybe they push me around some, but they don't cause me pain or damage. I'd also hope something similar happens with the little things. There's only so long that it's fun to sucker punch someone, only so many times before they see them coming. Heck, if you get hit enough times in the same place, it does make you tougher. You just can't be hurt as easy in that place, in that way.
It's just a matter of hanging in there until that time comes. I hope.
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