Hard, Simple Questions

One thing hit me this evening as I was leaving work. A question popped into my mind and wouldn't let me alone. It was one I thought I had kicked around before, but the way that it insistently kept coming up suggested I hadn't. Whatever it was that brought it to mind wouldn't let me hedge...or consider other factors....or bring up other perspectives. It was a simple question and wouldn't let me go until I would give it a yes or no answer.

"Do I regret having married Ariel?"

I reacted at first by bringing up all kinds of stuff. Yeah, it still hurts that it ended the way it did. Well, I don't know if I regret it as I didn't know how things were going to end. How do you know if something was good or not, pushing you to regret it? And so on and so on and so on. Whatever it was in my head wouldn't let me avoid the question like that. It kept coming up. I probably could've distracted myself with other stuff if I'd really put my mind to it. Loud, angry music's worked well for that in the past. Somehow, though, it seemed important enough that I should see it through.

So I thought about it. Putting aside how much it hurt that it ended with her deceiving me and then ending her own life. Putting aside how much I hate having my life turned upside down. Putting aside how much I sometimes hate being alone. Putting aside what we both did that I wish we hadn't. Putting aside how desperately I sometimes miss the life we'd had together. All of that stuff had to get stripped away, so I could answer that simple question. It had to get pared down to just that one piece: Do I regret having married Ariel?

Then the answer came: No. No, I don't regret it.

Suddenly that voice asking the question over and over was silent. Something inside clicked and locked into place. It doesn't change that I still hurt. It doesn't change that I didn't want it to end that way. Hell, it doesn't change that at the moment I'm still feeling sick and sore. But it does change that I can deal with tomorrow being our anniversary. Even if it ended badly, it's not a decision I regret. And it also came clear to me that it's not fair to ask if I'd do it over again. See, the point is I didn't know how it was going to end. I just knew that I loved and respected her, I enjoyed her company, and I wanted to have the chance to spend the rest of my life with her. If I'd have known differently, how it was going to end, then, yeah, I might have decided differently. The point is, I didn't know and I did decide to marry her.

And, no, I don't regret it.

Those simple questions are often worth looking at.  They can bring us to a depth that more complex questions might not.  Sometimes looking at too many things at the same time can allow for confusion and avoidance.  The simple question doesn't.  That's one of the things that makes them scary, that makes them hard to face at times.  I can't think of a time, though, that I've looked at one of those questions and regretted doing so.

So tomorrow I can deal with our anniversary. I can honor what we did have, what we shared, what we brought into each other's lives. And I'm feeling like I can move on with closing up the life we had together so I can move on.