PSA for DGI's #1--Looking OK Does Not Always Mean Someone Is OK

One of the things that multiple widows and widowers I've talked to have mentioned is that there have been many experiences with well-meaning but apparently clueless people (heretofore known as DGI's, or those that “Don't Get It”) who early on have commented on how well they're handling things, how well they're doing. That they seem to be taking the news so well, that they're seeming to be calm and level-headed. It's usually intended to be a compliment. Based on what they were seeing, it's understandable. The person they're looking at who has gotten news of a world-shattering experience isn't seen to be crying or wailing or gnashing their teeth. No rending of clothing, wearing of sack cloth, dusting their heads with ashes. They're seen as being able to handle life. They're doing jobs, taking care of the kids (if any), keeping up the house, and not obviously freaking out. They don't seem to be acting like people in movies or on TV who frequently will be more obviously distressed. And so the DGI is impressed and wants to pay a compliment.

The problem is, sometimes it just doesn't fit. The DGI doesn't seem to understand that one phase of grief does involve tears and anger and yelling and distress. That is certainly an indicator that someone's hurting and having a hard time coping. But there's a phase that's worse than that. Shock is a much more concerning state for someone to be in. One of the best illustrations of that came from the television show M*A*S*H*, about an army mobile hospital during the Korean war. In one episode, a general who sustained a minor wound is complaining to the colonel in charge of the camp, asking how long the men have to scream before they get help. The colonel responds by calmly and tiredly telling him that it's the ones who can't scream who need to be seen to first.

Shock is what happens when the body is hit and hurt so badly that, instead of focusing energy on screaming out warnings and alarms, the concern is strong enough that it starts shutting down nonessential things. That's why people who are in shock will seem calm, despite having been badly hurt. It's why they'll pass out, when the body shifts blood flow away from the extremities and pushes it toward the internal organs to help keep them alive. If they can stabilize enough to start screaming, that actually means they're doing better, not worse.

The same holds with emotional functioning. When the “usual” or “normal” kinds of bad things happen, people get angry or yell or cry or otherwise act up. However, when something a lot worse happens, then some of t he internal parts of the person shut down. They just don't have it in them to even be able to cry or scream or yell. If you take a minute and look into their eyes, you can see that parts of them are just...shut off. They're standing and walking and talking, but other parts of them are just...not doing anything at the time. The fact that they're not screaming and crying doesn't mean they're doing OK. For folks who are in that state, it means the exact opposite. And they know that something's very wrong, even if it's not mainly because it hurts. It's because things are numb and off-line, roughly what I'd imagine it would be like to have an accident and suddenly realize you can't feel your legs anymore.

At that time, being told how you seem to be doing so well doesn't help. It makes it painfully clear that people just don't understand how bad they're doing, how badly hurt they are. Instead of being reassuring, it tends to end up being alienating...even more than feeling that broken. So, the tip for today is, don't gush about how well someone seems to be doing. Instead, just ask how they are, and then be willing to take the response at face validity. It's more likely to be of help....trust me.