Deserve's Got Nothing to Do with It

One of my favorite movies is still “Unforgiven” with Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, and Gene Hackman. One of the lines that still stands out for me is the title for this entry, “Deserve's got nothing to do with it.” It's what Clint says to Gene Hackman just before shooting him. Hackman's saying he doesn't deserve it (to die), that he's building a house. The implication was that he was just doing what he thought was right. Admittedly, part of that was being an utter bastard, even if it was in the service of trying to keep the peace in his town. At that point, Clint was right. Deserve really didn't have anything to do with it. There was lots of stuff that was deserved that didn't happen. Not everyone who was bad got punished, or at least not as they deserved...however that might be determined. It just ended the way it did.

One of the things that I've found happens to me when I'm really stressed or tired or worn out is that I do find myself wondering what I might've done to deserve this. To have to deal with the aftermath of my wife ending her life. Intellectually, I know it's not the case. When I'm not worn down, those thoughts really don't come up anymore. But, at those times when I am depleted, they come back. Did I do something to her to bring it on? To someone else before we met? Maybe in a previous life? And what the Hell would someone do to actually deserve this?

What's sometimes even harder is when it's not just wondering about what I'm struggling with. Sometimes, I find myself wondering what I did to deserve to be living in this house. It is, after all, more space than I need (which is one reason, among others, I think it'd be a good idea to move). It's certainly more than I could've managed to get if she and I hadn't been together. Or how do I deserve to still be here? I can't think of anything particularly outstandingly good I've done that'd fit for deserving this, either. It just sometimes doesn't seem to make sense.

At times like that, I have to remind myself that, in this situation, deserve really doesn't have anything to do with it. It just is what it is. Maybe when it's my turn to shuffle off this mortal coil, I'll be able to ask whatever Power (or powers) that be what the Hell this was all about...and why.

Until then, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Keep healing. Keep trying to figure out how to actually live this life I have.