Stuck In-Between

I'm coming up on the three-year anniversary of my wife's suicide in just a couple of weeks. While the holidays seemed to go OK, things have been a lot harder since that time. One thing I'm hoping is based on something I've heard from several other widows. They'd mentioned that the couple of months leading up to the three-year anniversary were really rough, but also that things got a lot better once that was past. I hope the same for me. I know everyone's journey is different. However, when I hear from several people they had similar experiences, it gives me some reason to hope it might go the same for me.

It hit me earlier today that there's at least one aspect of this that's been difficult for me. On the one hand, coming up on the anniversary is reminding me a lot of what things were like with her before the end. Of how she was so depressed and irritable and isolative. Of how I would hope that we'd get to spend some decent time together in the evenings. Of how I'd be waiting up for that to happen. Of how, more and more often, it'd get to be 11:00 or so and I'd realize she'd shut off the lights and it wasn't going to happen that night. Of how I would feel hurt and disappointed...and yet still hang on to the hope that maybe it'd be different tomorrow. Of how I'd wonder how much longer it'd go that way, or if maybe the next change might make things better.

On the other hand, there's the changes I know I've been able to make since she died. One of the things I've picked up is an interest in learning to cook. I'd never been all that good at it before. She was a good cook, but hated doing dishes. We'd had the deal set up that she'd make food for us and I'd clean up. Well, after her death, I still needed to eat. While I don't consider myself a good cook by any stretch yet, I know I've learned a decent amount. I can do pretty well with a crock pot or pressure cooker. And it's something I've done for me. It's not a carry-over from the time we did share together. It's something I've enjoyed and felt good about. It's meant I'm eating better and not doing fast food as much. While it's not something I'd ever pictured myself studying, it's still something that's uniquely mine. And I like it. It's a step toward who I eventually want to get to be.

What's hard is feeling stuck in between them. I feel the proclivity to just keep waiting still there. Waiting and resenting not having what I hoped for come along. And yet I see the changes happening, too. And it leaves me feeling like I....I don't know who I really am right now. That in-between phase is hard. It's not much fun. I think it's one reason why sometimes teenagers are so volatile and reactive. They're not really kids anymore but they're also not adults. They've got aspects of both, but aren't quite either.

They're in-between. And sometimes it feels like things are stuck there.

All I can think is that it's part of the journey. Part of what makes this whole process hellish is that sometimes it's in flux and just seems to be...stuck there. It doesn't make it the case, but knowing that sometimes doesn't make it feel any different.

And all we can do is know where we hope to get and keep trudging along.