Sex After Death, Part I

OK, as promised, here's the first post having to deal with sex.  If you were hoping that this would be something titillating, that it would give you something to use as spank-material hearing about the wild adventures of a (fairly) newly-no-longer-married-guy, you're going to be sorely disappointed.  On the other hand, if you're able to hand some grown-up ideas, then this might have something to offer for you after all.

The typical stereotype that comes up when someone has a spouse die is that generally women go frigid and lose interest in sex while men suddenly run around trying to get into anyone they can find. After all, isn't it the case that men are the ones who women have to manipulate into fidelity? That they'd rather be able to run around and jump into bed with any and every woman (or whoever else) that they can get to let them? That once their spouse, their partner is gone, that their true nature starts coming back out again? Either that or they're just looking for someone else to take the place of their spouse...or maybe looking for a new mommy to eventually take care of them.

By contrast, women do it for love. When the love's gone, there's no reason for them to be interested in sex and they just shut down. Or if you go with the evolutionary perspective, they only do it to have kids and once they do, there's no reason to have more sex anymore. And, of course, there's the perspective that women start thinking that men are just out to get into their pants, at putting on a good facade to make them seem like they're good guys just to have a chance to get laid. That they're just lying, manipulative, untrustworthy beasts who, once they get what they want, will disappear at the soonest sign of responsibility. Given that, why should they bother?

That's how they are, right? That's what people tend to think.

It's not really the case. It's not that simple.

Just like a lot of other things having to do with death and grief, there's a huge range of individual differences for how people react and respond. I've gotten to know some men who sexually just shut down after their wives die, at least for a decent-sized chunk of time. They're not interested anymore. The thought of being that open and vulnerable and potentially getting hurt that bad again is just too much. And there are some women who just want to know that they're still attractive, that they can still be desired....that they can still feel something other than the terrible, crushing pain and loneliness and emptiness.

In this case, the stereotype is a shorthand for trying to understand people. The reality of it, though, is far more complex. Maybe the stereotype works if you're looking at overall statistics, of general trends across large groups of people. For understanding any one person, what they're feeling, what they're going through and what they're going to do....it's pretty useless.

People are just that. And each has to find his or her own way through, with whatever it is that gets them through.