Having been asked by several people how it's going and what it's
like, I figured it'd be easier to just write up a post than have to
have the same conversation or send the same e-mail/message time and
time again. Accordingly, this is a description of it, at least thus
far. I learned about this months ago, through a NAMI sponsored
support group for those who'd lost a loved one due to suicide. They
were looking for people who'd lost someone at least six months ago,
and were still struggling with it. I called in, went through the
screening instruments, and basically got the answer, “Uh-HUH!
Complicated grief, all right!” Unfortunately, they'd just started
a group of folks through it, so I had to wait for about three months
to get the chance to get in. However, from what I was told about it,
it's designed to help folks who've been struggling with some of the
same kinds of things I have been. I'd said early on that I'd be
willing to try just about anything that seemed like it'd have a
reasonable chance of helping, and this fit in just fine.
So I waited.
It started up five weeks ago. The first week was a mix of going over
some of the basics about the group, like how long it'd run, some of
the stuff we'd cover, the idea we'd have homework, confidentiality,
etc. The rest of the first meeting was folks introducing themselves
and telling the story about who they'd lost and what had happened.
The second group was more of the same introductions, as we hadn't
finished the first time and there were some folks present the second
meeting who weren't there the first time. One thing I got from that
is that the friends who'd worried that the groups I've been part of
are just focused on reliving the loss over and over were wrong. Just
talking about and listening to those losses was really hard. I'd
talked about Ariel's story before, but it'd been some time since I'd
spent that long on it, and moreso since spending that much time
hearing what anyone else had been through. I could see the point to
it, but I really hoped that there wouldn't be more of it, at least
not that much at one time.
The third meeting didn't seem to offer me much more, either. We went
over the grief & emotion tracking logs that they'd given us, as
well as talking some about what both “regular” or healthy grief
and complicated grief are. Again, I could see the point to going
over that. Not as many folks had read up on complicated grief as I
had by that point. Heck, I'm pretty sure some hadn't read up on
grief in general as much. And I understand why they wanted to go
over it for those folks, to have a better idea of what we're working
with and what to expect. I was glad that they made the point that
the goal wasn't to get this all gone. Instead, it was to get to
where we didn't feel stuck in it anymore, and to give us some tools
to use to work through some of those things. Still, I was having to
hold really hard to the idea that it'd help, that there'd be more to
come.
Things changed in the fourth meeting. That was the one where they
introduced what they're calling an exposure treatment. It's an
approach I'd heard of before, under the name “systematic
desensitization.” They had us list out some grief goals, as well
as how much distress just thinking about them brought up. After
that, we were to pick one that was a low to moderate level of
discomfort to start working on. The process would start with
spending 15 minutes a day just thinking about doing that activity or
goal, and no more. The idea would be that, over time, our bodies 'n'
hearts would stop reacting as strongly to it. Once we got to where
there wasn't much distress (three days in a row where just thinking
about it would rank about a two on a scale of one to ten), then we'd
go on to the next step and repeat. The idea would be to work our way
closer and closer to being able to actually deal with that goal
itself, without either feeling stuck or overwhelmed by it. It
wouldn't mean that it wouldn't hurt or be difficult, but that it'd be
manageable.
Macho idiot that I am, I first picked the hardest goal that'd come to
mind, sitting down to watch the video of our wedding. I'd watched
half of it one time after she died, but haven't been able to approach
it since. Thankfully, I pretty quickly realized I was overdoing it,
and that I should follow the directions and pick an easier one. The
one I picked is being able to look through the pictures of her I had
printed out and put into a photo album. And so I've been just
thinking about doing that. The first day I did so, the distress
ranked about a six out of ten. As of today, it's the second time
that it's only ranked about a two. If that keeps up tomorrow, I get
to go to the next step. I reckon what's worth trying next is just
sitting holding the photo album. Not opening or looking through it,
but just holding it. And see how that goes. I like the idea of
eventually getting to where I can look at those pictures of her when
I want or have good reason to, and not having to wait for a time when
it's just suddenly OK or manageable. Her recent birthday would've
been a good day for that. Same with our wedding anniversary.
Hopefully, I'll be there in time for the four-year mark in
February...but that's for down the line.
The only thing I'm running into as a challenge with it so far is that
spending the time even just thinking about looking at her pictures
that much is leaving me kind of unsettled and wound up. As it's
usually toward the end of the evening I've made time for it, that's
meant I'm not able to unwind enough to sleep until later than I'd
like. I'm sure that extra degree of exhaustion isn't helping matters
any. I'm hoping that as the distress continues to abate and the
success with this mounts, it'll get easier to let it go when I'm
done.
There are other things left to face. I'm curious to see what else
they'll present for us and have us do. At least at this point I can
see how it can help. I'm just hoping it'll also help with learning
how to enjoy life again, too. If I can get those two things from
this group/study, it'll all be worth it.
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