One thing I've run
into in the last couple of years is that life happens. Things go
haywire. Unexpected stuff comes up. Things break. Medical issues
crop up (which seems to be one annoying side-effect of getting
older). And so on and so on and so on. Much though we'd like it to
be the case, the word keeps spinning despite having to deal with the
death of a spouse. Any mercy we get is grace or comes from the
caring and support of people around us. We don't get a free pass
from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, no matter how bad
it was or how hurt we feel.
As time goes on, we
get better at handling the little stuff. The day-to-day stuff.
Realizing the car's low on gas. Or that the milk in the fridge is
all but empty. Or that the lawn needs to get mowed again. Those get
easier. And as they do, we gradually get to handle things that are a
little bigger with a bit more grace and ease. It sneaks up on us. I
know I didn't see it happening at the time. It was just realizing
one day that I'd achieved the goal I'd set of wanting to get to where
I felt like I could handle a whole day at a time. Sure, not all days
were easy, but I was at a point where I wasn't starting the day
having to just think about the stuff for the first few hours because
trying to think of more was overwhelming. It surprised me when I
could look at an approaching weekend from the vantage point of Friday
afternoon and not feel anxious or depressed by the prospect. I
didn't know exactly how it happened. I still don't. But it did.
And yet, there are
still big things that happen occasionally. Those are the kinds of
things that are just part of life that everyone gets to deal with.
They're the kinds of things that throw most people for a loop, at
least for a while. In the last few months, I've been having to deal
with having been diagnosed with cardiac arrhythmia. I'm lucky enough
that it's not the worst type that it could be, and that it's not
something requiring immediate surgery or hospitalization. Still, it's
a big deal. The idea that my heart isn't quite working right is a
sobering and scary one. It helps to remind myself that this is the
kind of thing that would mess with just about anyone's head.
What I'm finding
still gets tricky is this. When those big things happen, when they
do a number on my head, when they leave me either hideously anxious &
raw or just emotionally flat, when they leave me having a hard time
enjoying stuff that had been fun before...see, those are the times
that remind me of what it was like after me darlin' wife killed
herself. And, in that raw state, it's easy sometimes to get to be
afraid that I've fallen back into that fresh, painful stage of
grieving all over again. One of the things that's rough in those
times is to remind myself that sometimes feeling like that is just a
reaction to normal life. It's sometimes painful and unpleasant, but
it doesn't mean that the progress I've made has suddenly been undone,
leaving me back where I was. It passes a lot faster. I've been
better able to sit with it for awhile overall. Admittedly, sometimes
I do better at sitting with it and not reacting than others. But,
while it's similar, it's not the same.
Trudging down
through the landscape of Hell, sometimes some areas look the same.
That's where it helps to be able to look back up to see where I was
and how far I have come, even if it feels for a moment like I'm back
where I was. It's OK to feel the fear of that. As long as I don't
stop on the journey down to get out.
No comments:
Post a Comment