Rules Break Down

One of the things I've felt and heard from other widows and widowers is feeling like we're falling apart, like we're going crazy. It comes up in regard to a lot of different things: paying bills, going to work, talking to friends, trying to have fun, watching movies or TV, trying to (and often having a hard time with) sleep, listening to music. Things we used to be able to handle just fine are suddenly...different. We can't handle them the same. We have reactions to things that, at least at the time, don't seem to make sense. Intellectually, we know we're grieving and dealing with a catastrophic loss, but on a more visceral level, we wonder just what the Hell is wrong with us.

One thing has been coming to mind lately for part of why that is. See, growing up we all learned certain rules. They're the rules we use to get along in the world, to negotiate dealing with others, to take care of our responsibilities. They tend to be pretty universal, though the extent to which we buy into them can vary. They're often so simple we hardly ever think about them. Take your turn. Say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me.” Work hard and you'll do well at your job. Treat people nicely, with at least respect if not kindness, and you'll be able to get along. Be a good boy/girl, with the usually unspoken implication that if you do things will go well. Do a good job. Don't hit people, even if you really want to or it seems like they really deserve it. Things we generally haven't had to consciously think about since they were first taught to and impressed upon us. With all of them, there's an implicit expectation that if we follow them, things will be well and we'll get to be happy. At first, we probably learned to follow them to avoid getting punished. Over time, most people move beyond just following them to avoid punishment to see the reasons why they're good rules. They generally do lead to good outcomes for us, which is what pretty much everyone wants (though the ideas of what “good outcomes” might be do vary).

When someone you love dies, whether it's suddenly or not, then it suddenly seems that at least some of those rules are suspect. They didn't work. Even when the death is natural causes there's suddenly a not-so-good outcome. When it's the result of an accident, it's a little worse. When it's the result of someone else's choices and actions, worse yet. In the case of suicide, when it's the actions of the person who died that brought it about, it's even worse. The rules seem to have broken, because they didn't result in what we'd come to believe they should do.

For me, one thing I've come to realize is I'd had a rule I'd been following that I hadn't even consciously realized or been aware of. It was another one that, on the surface of it, seems to make a lot of sense. If you love someone and commit to them, in my case through marriage, then you take care of them. The implicit piece of it was the expectation that they'd take care of you and you'd both get to be happy. Sounds good, doesn't it? And, in truth, it worked for quite awhile. That made it hard to deal with how things changed, when her depression and anxiety and anger had her withdrawing and being more sullen and less able (yeah, I know, some think that should probably read “willing,” but that's a post for another time) to do things for me. The rule had worked before, dammit, so if I kept following it, it should pay off again. Right? At a level below my conscious awareness, at least at the time, that was how I saw things.

And then she killed herself. The rule hadn't worked. I'd cared for and taken care of her, and she hadn't done the same for me.  Not at the end.

All of a sudden, a fundamental part of the world didn't make sense anymore. It'd be something like suddenly waking up to find out that what's defined as “left” and “right” would change at random intervals throughout the day. Think that doesn't sound like much? Imagine trying to drive, with the laws and rules we have set up about what kind of turn you can do when and who has the right of way, and suddenly not being able to know which is which for sure. If you're really paying attention, you'll get some scares and close calls. Odds are, you're likely to end up in some fender-benders, and be shocked to find out that it was your fault.

And when one of those fundamental rules breaks down, it brings with it some fear that maybe the others aren't as solid as they'd previously seemed. It suddenly makes the world seem like a scarier place. It'd make anyone question how well they're able to be in touch with reality, to deal with even normal, day-to-day stuff, much less bigger things. Suddenly there's a lot more conscious attention and energy being focused on rules that previously operated at pretty much a reflex level, and that's exhausting. Think it isn't? Try tying your shoes while paying conscious attention to EVERY MOVEMENT OF THE LACES AS YOU DO SO. Not just what you're doing at the moment but what it's setting up to do. Doing something that you've done on autopilot for years (or more) with that kind of conscious effort and attention isn't so easy, and it's tiring. Want another example? Think about shaving, but with your OTHER hand (I'm not recommending this, mind you; I put it out there as a mental exercise). What'd previously been automatic and required only slightly more focus and concentration than standing up or putting on pants becomes something much harder and more involved.  And, if you make a mistake (which is more likely), it's gonna hurt.  Now think about having to function the same way almost all the time. Think that might wear someone down, make them wonder about and doubt themselves, make them feel broken?

In time, we get settled with the rules again. It's likely we eventually get to where a fair number of the old rules still apply and go back to reflex level. Others, however, end up having to change. And we get to go through the process of having to pay that conscious attention and put in that focused effort to get them down to that level again. And it's not a linear process. When we're stressed or tired or distracted, we sometimes go back to old habits, even if on a conscious level we know they don't work or apply anymore. That doesn't do much good for the ol' self-confidence, either. It's not a short or easy process. It requires patience and perseverance, even if sometimes that means making time to sit down and cry and feel hopeless or overwhelmed for awhile....and then getting back up and getting going again. Sometimes, that's all we can do, and it's good enough. It fits with an old Chinese proverb: Be not afraid of moving slowly, only of standing still.”