One of the favorite terms I've learned
from some of the other widows and widowers I've gotten to know is the
DGI. This refers to the rather clueless group of people who say
really thoughtless, insensitive, unhelpful things....and have no idea
how what they're saying is actually coming across or affecting
people. I tend to believe that most of the time, DGI's are
well-meaning and truly just living up to their name: Don't Get It's.
One of the main areas where this seems
to manifest is in dealing with issues revolving around emotions.
These are people who will end up saying things like, “Well, it
could always be worse,” or “I'm sure you'll end up feeling
better,” or “At least you still have__________.” One of the
worst is “I know how you're feeling.” And it really doesn't help
when they say things like, “Oh, just cheer up” or “You
shouldn't dwell on that so much” or “Look on the bright side.”
As I said before, I think they're generally meaning well, and very
often don't understand why what they say instead seems to make us
worse...more angry, more withdrawn, more depressed.
A good parallel came to mind recently
that helps make sense out of these folks a little further. Oddly
enough, it came from physics. See, the DGI's are just like folks who
only learned Newtonian physics. You know Sir Isaac Newton, right?
The one who kids are taught discovered gravity 'cause he sat under a
tree and got hit in the head by an apple? He codified most of the
basic physics that we deal with in our day-to-day lives. Things that
are matter are solid objects. They sit still unless something makes
them move, and then it takes something to slow them down or change
direction again. Space and time are consistent, constant aspects of
the universe. Things are either matter or energy. Things can't
occupy the same space at the same time. All of those basic, humdrum
rules that define what our “normal” lives are generally like.
For those of us dealing with a major
loss—in my case the suicide of my wife—we're not running on just
those laws anymore. We're now governed by the laws of quantum
physics/mechanics as well. We get to deal with all those additional
fun things like things not being only matter or only energy....but
instead pretty much everything being “Mattergy.” Space and time
can be bent and folded, like by the massive gravity field of a black
hole. Things are connected in ways that aren't immediately apparent,
like paired electrons matching each other's spins, even when they're
separated by quite a distance. With some things not being able to
know BOTH where it is AND where & how fast it's going
(Heisenberg's uncertainty principle).
Those laws affect how we function, how
we feel, what we remember, what we feel we can and cannot do. Things
that seem utterly peripheral can evoke very intense emotions. Things
that ordinarily would be the type to evoke happiness also bring up
sadness or fear or resentment. Being around some of those reminders
warp what we're capable of feeling, pulling and twisting it down into
depths of sadness that are really hard to climb out of. And it
sometimes doesn't seem to take much to get a strong mood going, or to
make one suddenly shift in an entirely different direction.
When we've had to live with it for
awhile, we kind of understand what's going on. I know I can't always
predict what's going to set things off or how they'll go, but I've
got a better sense for it. I've gotten a better sense for what
things actually do get better by just focusing on something else for
awhile, and what things I need to focus on and go deeper into in
order to get through. I've at least gotten used to having intense
memories and emotions sparked off by things that seemed utterly
inconsequential and, at least on first glance, unrelated to much of
anything else. And I can at least relate to the other widows and
widowers I've gotten to know when they have the same kinds of things
going on, too.
For the DGI's, it suddenly seems like
we're talking about the world having turned upside-down and
inside-out. Imagine, if you would, suddenly finding out that the
world is really run by the kinds of rules you'd get if you crossed
Alice in Wonderland with the Twilight Zone. Most of the time, when
we hear people talk about that kind of stuff, the first thought is to
wonder if they've taken their meds....or if they should be on some.
Or if, perhaps, the boys with the butterfly nets and the nifty
jackets with the extra-long sleeves with a plethora of buckles
shouldn't be called in.
In our cases, that's the reality in
which we have to function. And someone who's never had to walk it
isn't likely to understand, at least not without a really open mind
and a fair amount of help. And, instead, they mistake the journey
down through Hell as running from reality or self-flagellation.
And not the way through to get out.
